i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
