Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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