jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Actions speak louder than pants.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
