she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
