How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
