32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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