y did u give ur computer a hand job?
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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