my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
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I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
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Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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