Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
