I'm jealous of your bromance
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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