Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
