dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
