Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
