She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
