Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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