New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
