She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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