I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
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oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
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Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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