Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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