Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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