Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
