i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
