I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
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Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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