Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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