even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
