this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
