She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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