Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
