There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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