I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
