its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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