I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
