Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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