i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
