You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho