I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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