He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
