My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..