Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
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I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
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We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.