I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
