I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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