I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
