it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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