while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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