Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
