I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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