Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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