apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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