Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
