Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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