I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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