I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I lost the right to judge tonight
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
