Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
can we not compare my dick to a childrenโs folk tale
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ๐๐๐๐
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