Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
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I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
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My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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