I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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