where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
