I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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