My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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