I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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