what day is it and did you see me today?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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